Sense

There are decisions that are easy to carry out, and others that are close to impossible, not because of the complexity of the mechanics of the action (or inaction) but because of the underlying emotional structures that hold up the habit or vice.

In the last couple of months I have been going back and forth on my decision of letting go of my ex-girlfriend and her son.

At first the situation seemed clear as a sunny day…   If we break up, it is better to make a clean cut and stop seeing each other, this decision was never honored.  At first it was my ex that called or emailed out of the blue to say that she missed me and after a couple of months it was phone calls where she would put her son on the phone so he could talk to me.  This threw me completely of guard (and it is not like I was really conscious at that moment.  I was going thru my third childhood, partying and drinking in excess).

After an epiphany that came about as a result of a party that went sour, I decided to cut back on the self destructive doses of distraction and out of a very harsh and spiritual experience (involving walking barefoot and without water on a beach for six hours) It all came extremely clear to me.   Either I solve the root of my issues or I am destined to let the things that I enjoy from life slip thru hands like water thru a sifter.

So now sober and with a clear head I set out to put balance for once and for all in my life.

One of the things I needed to sort out was a way to be able to focus on my life without my ex dropping a phone call or e-mail abruptly and throwing everything violently into an emotional chaos.

A kind of “Eureka”  moment took me in rapture,  ”All I need to do is get this woman out of my life and everything will fall into place”. Oh! how wrong I was!

First mistake:  It is impossible to “just get someone out of your life” especially if there is love in the equation.  As soon as I decided to share with her my fatal determination (In the form of a short but substantive email), the first thing that would pop into my mind in the morning was….  guess who…

HER!!!!!!

And it wasn’t only in the morning it was at periodical and excruciating intervals, it came to a point where I even  lost sleep, (Jeez!  her memory was more effective than my morning double espresso),Just a glitch in my head that recalled her face, hair, eyes or even stubby toes and that was it!  dilated pupils, racing heart, and an anxiety equal to that of a race horse in the start box.

So like a good entrepreneur and inventor of useless things I went back and reassessed the solution.  And so I realized that the problem was not with the woman, it was something more profound…

IT’S ALL ABOUT ADDICTIONS!

Why not!   To be honest I actually was never “in love” with my ex (Ale if you are reading this you know that I wen’t on directly into loving you with all my heart), at first I didn’t even put up a fight when she said it was over, so why am I going thru this roller coaster  ride of emotional outbursts when the reasons for letting her go was as clear as sunshine a couple of months ago?

IT’S  WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS!

So if I wan’t to stop being the welcome mat of my own self pity I have to eradicate addictions.  So why not stop all addictions?  Let’s start with smoking!

Uhhhh! Now that’s what I call “wuebos”.

So I am off with my renewed sense of direction and meaning.  “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul” No more cigarettes for me.  And guess what?  It has been as easy as 1 times 1.  I stopped smoking and I have been feeling great.  So now at the top of my game, ready to take on all of the trials and tribulations that life can throw at me (And I should of listened to Paul Simon more often about his 50 ways) I feel the strong urge to let others participate in my conquest of my most distasteful addiction.  So guess who I call first…

MY EX!

Why not! I mean she was the reason for me to stop smoking. right?

Wrooooong!

Second mistake, very much related to the first one. Even though I know she is the reason why I stopped smoking (she kinda put it as as a “sine qua non” for getting back together) she had absolutely nothing to do with my internal process and quick fix I get when I flagellate myself with her memory. And to be perfectly clear, the only thing that I was doing was revealing my emotional instability and thus hindering any possibility of gaining her heart again.

So back to the drawing board.  It is a certainty that my problem is that of an addict (and I don’t mean to demean the nature of my love towards the departed but the symptoms are clear).   So what is the root of my insecurities?  What is it that is so strong that can help me be distracted from a habit of more than 20 years (cigarettes) without even flinching?

I know addictions are intimately related to fear.  What am I afraid of?

The only answer is quite somber.

It appears that I am afraid of being fulfilled.  It seems that I sabotage my happiness.

And that is where the real problem lies and now is the focus of my work for personal development.

So wish me luck and let’s try to bring some sense into this ordeal.

(P.S. Ale and Dominic you are the inspiration and root cause of my will to change.  I hope one day my experience can help you as well)

I have realized of late, that almost all of my ills and destructive habits have as substance “fear”. Well I made a decision…

To Hell with fear!
let vice turn into habit!
lets create an upheaval for our peers!

Recently I have been confronted with a series of events and situations that have made me realize that I have a problem establishing limits.  I don’t know if it is part of my idiosyncrasy (being mexican we have a cultural resistance on saying “no” and thus hindering our ability to establish limits) or just a way by which I try to be “accepted”.

One generally accepted fact says that limits are not only necessary, they are part of the definition of who we are as individuals, it is the way that we establish our likes and dislikes, our capabilities and our deficits.  We all need some sort of limits in order to focus on what is important in our life.

The problem lies in the relationship between limits and the sacrifices that sometimes are needed in order to fulfill a commitment. Where is the dividing line?  How far must a sacrifice go in order for it to surpass the limits of what is acceptable for a person to endure and still have a sense of dignity?

See the problem?

Like all ethical problems, it needs to be solved on a case by case basis.

For this priorities must be set.  What is important in your life?  Is it work? Is it your family? Is it your social life? In short one must define what one understands as the “quality in life”.

Personally some of my worst mistakes have evolved around the time spent in work and the amount of energy and consciousness provided to it.  I have gone overboard and worked an insane amount of hours and other times I have been so caught up with the personal problems (generally related to the fact that I worked to hard) that I can’t truly focus on being productive.

I know there is balance that must be achieved here.

The other aspect of my life where limits are fuzzy evolves around relationships (amorous and recently even friendly) I don’t know where to draw the line between acceptance of the people I care about and the requirements that need to be fulfilled so my needs are met.  I usually get my head so involved in my idea of commitment that I forget about myself (maybe because I have the idea of “heroic love” you know… the love that remains even if your partner get’s sick and you have to tend to even their basic needs).

Buddhism has taught me that there is always a way to release yourself from the clutch of suffering:  Be always conscious of the moment and do not dwell in the past or future, live and experience the present and there you will find limitless space.

It is a way that you can let a thief enter an empty house where nothing can be taken away and in a sense this is true, just the thought helps me release my grasp on the pain that some sacrifices have endured.  But let’s be honest you can’t go around the world in the form of a door mat you have to be wise and recognize what is truly beneficial to you and to the transgressor of limits, sometimes you need to turn the other cheek and in others, if prudence requires it,  a clear and energetic stand must be made so no more violence can be bestowed upon you.

So with this idea one can realize that no limits are necessary if one recognizes that we are a whole and divine participation of being.  With this in mind and with moment clear and present one can act with resolve and without fear and release ourselves of the tyranny of sacrifice, that only serves martyrs.  And come on! Who really want’s the life of a martyr?  I’d much rather be a hero.

Be here and now and you will find no limits!  And thus you will always be present where you need to be.