Today I am not sure of what my senses are trying to convince me of.
I can’t envision any outcome that suits my desires.
The only thing that drives me is a forceful willingness
of enjoying every moment as it was the last,
and an unmovable posture of sharing this
with anyone willing to renounce the illusion that time
is a measure of who we are.
There are decisions that are easy to carry out, and others that are close to impossible, not because of the complexity of the mechanics of the action (or inaction) but because of the underlying emotional structures that hold up the habit or vice.
In the last couple of months I have been going back and forth on my decision of letting go of my ex-girlfriend and her son.
At first the situation seemed clear as a sunny day… If we break up, it is better to make a clean cut and stop seeing each other, this decision was never honored. At first it was my ex that called or emailed out of the blue to say that she missed me and after a couple of months it was phone calls where she would put her son on the phone so he could talk to me. This threw me completely of guard (and it is not like I was really conscious at that moment. I was going thru my third childhood, partying and drinking in excess).
After an epiphany that came about as a result of a party that went sour, I decided to cut back on the self destructive doses of distraction and out of a very harsh and spiritual experience (involving walking barefoot and without water on a beach for six hours) It all came extremely clear to me. Either I solve the root of my issues or I am destined to let the things that I enjoy from life slip thru hands like water thru a sifter.
So now sober and with a clear head I set out to put balance for once and for all in my life.
One of the things I needed to sort out was a way to be able to focus on my life without my ex dropping a phone call or e-mail abruptly and throwing everything violently into an emotional chaos.
A kind of “Eureka” moment took me in rapture, ”All I need to do is get this woman out of my life and everything will fall into place”. Oh! how wrong I was!
First mistake: It is impossible to “just get someone out of your life” especially if there is love in the equation. As soon as I decided to share with her my fatal determination (In the form of a short but substantive email), the first thing that would pop into my mind in the morning was…. guess who…
HER!!!!!!
And it wasn’t only in the morning it was at periodical and excruciating intervals, it came to a point where I even lost sleep, (Jeez! her memory was more effective than my morning double espresso),Just a glitch in my head that recalled her face, hair, eyes or even stubby toes and that was it! dilated pupils, racing heart, and an anxiety equal to that of a race horse in the start box.
So like a good entrepreneur and inventor of useless things I went back and reassessed the solution. And so I realized that the problem was not with the woman, it was something more profound…
IT’S ALL ABOUT ADDICTIONS!
Why not! To be honest I actually was never “in love” with my ex (Ale if you are reading this you know that I wen’t on directly into loving you with all my heart), at first I didn’t even put up a fight when she said it was over, so why am I going thru this roller coaster ride of emotional outbursts when the reasons for letting her go was as clear as sunshine a couple of months ago?
IT’S WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS!
So if I wan’t to stop being the welcome mat of my own self pity I have to eradicate addictions. So why not stop all addictions? Let’s start with smoking!
Uhhhh! Now that’s what I call “wuebos”.
So I am off with my renewed sense of direction and meaning. “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul” No more cigarettes for me. And guess what? It has been as easy as 1 times 1. I stopped smoking and I have been feeling great. So now at the top of my game, ready to take on all of the trials and tribulations that life can throw at me (And I should of listened to Paul Simon more often about his 50 ways) I feel the strong urge to let others participate in my conquest of my most distasteful addiction. So guess who I call first…
MY EX!
Why not! I mean she was the reason for me to stop smoking. right?
Wrooooong!
Second mistake, very much related to the first one. Even though I know she is the reason why I stopped smoking (she kinda put it as as a “sine qua non” for getting back together) she had absolutely nothing to do with my internal process and quick fix I get when I flagellate myself with her memory. And to be perfectly clear, the only thing that I was doing was revealing my emotional instability and thus hindering any possibility of gaining her heart again.
So back to the drawing board. It is a certainty that my problem is that of an addict (and I don’t mean to demean the nature of my love towards the departed but the symptoms are clear). So what is the root of my insecurities? What is it that is so strong that can help me be distracted from a habit of more than 20 years (cigarettes) without even flinching?
I know addictions are intimately related to fear. What am I afraid of?
The only answer is quite somber.
It appears that I am afraid of being fulfilled. It seems that I sabotage my happiness.
And that is where the real problem lies and now is the focus of my work for personal development.
So wish me luck and let’s try to bring some sense into this ordeal.
(P.S. Ale and Dominic you are the inspiration and root cause of my will to change. I hope one day my experience can help you as well)
I have realized of late, that almost all of my ills and destructive habits have as substance “fear”. Well I made a decision…
To Hell with fear!
let vice turn into habit!
lets create an upheaval for our peers!
